Practical Stimulus: A Proposal
In an effort to capture the spirit of our present administration, I am authoring and seeking signatures for a piece of legislation that will prepare the American people for the future. I call it the Practical Stimulus Package.
While the $20 billion price tag may give you pause, let me summarize the five central articles before you make any final decision on whether or not to lend your support.
The first portion of my bill addresses our present economic woes.
In the midst of a devastating recession, the Federal and numerous State Governments have decided that the best remedy is a tax increase. We know that recessions are caused by a lack of cash flow – but rather than decrease taxes, which would add money to the economy, higher taxes have removed money from the economy.
As any above-average high school student could tell you, addition and subtraction are different.
Article I of my bill sets aside $1.2 million to purchase pocket calculators for Congress, the State governments, the President’s advisors, and the White House staff. This will ensure that addition and subtraction will no longer be such formidable opponents in our ongoing struggle to reverse this recession.
Article II addresses a dire need that will soon emerge in our health care industry. With the much anticipated public health legislation rolling out of the Senate, government mandated health insurance looms on the horizon. Unfortunately, most hospital waiting rooms are populated with basic plastic chairs that lead to discomfort and decreased circulation in as little as four hours.
Since the wait time for health care services will soon be increasing exponentially, Article II of my bill will provide for the purchase of cozy padded chairs in all American hospitals. There are currently 5,815 hospitals nationwide. Estimating 120 chairs per hospital, $35 million will provide the American people with superior posterior comfort during their extended visits to medical institutions.
Unemployment has topped 10% nationally (16% in California), and with the increased financial burden on business (see Article I), new jobs are sparse.
With such a high number of unemployed Americans, no home should be without the use of a television remote control. Article III of my bill will provide two (2) double-A batteries to each household in America. With 129,065,264 households, $520 million should keep us clicking well into next year.
Article III, Subsection (a): vouchers for triple-A batteries will be made available to families that need them.
Article IV is perhaps the most exciting amendment, because it calls for the development of innovative technology: a new type of wallet.
This wallet will not have a pocket for cash, since Americans no longer have cash, and will instead have two sections for credit cards. These sections will be clearly marked ‘Maxed’ and ‘Almost Maxed’, improving our odds of guessing successfully during the cash register shuffle.
These new high-tech wallets will be provided to the 154 million Americans who are presently employed, with a total cost of roughly $3.9 billion.
Alternatively, we could delay passage of Article IV until early next year, with the hope that the White House maintains its present course. This will lead to significantly fewer working Americans in quarter one of 2010, thereby reducing the cost of this measure.
Lastly, Article V will provide for the construction and maintenance of airline sickness bag dispensaries throughout our nation. Any time a citizen feels nauseous at the thought of how much money our government is squandering, a jaunt to the local barf-bag outlet will provide the resources for a quick and thorough remedy.
Weighing in with a cost of $15 billion for 100,000 such stations throughout our nation, Article V is certainly the most expensive section of my bill, but I feel it is also the most necessary.
I’m confident that I can count on your support in passing this bill. I feel that this legislation is every bit as important as all the other spending bills Congress has passed in the last ten months.
I hope you feel the same.